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Keko-Meko's avatar
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Literature Text

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:jsenn:
Mature
© 2012 - 2024 Keko-Meko
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ethanoI's avatar
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Impact

I'll start off by saying; I feel for you, and having to go through this. I can understand it would be hard to get your emotions down on paper...but I also want to mention that this critique is going to be completely based on the poem's content, and I do tend to judge quite harshly. Anyway, I'll get on with it.

The first thing that stood out to me about this piece is the raw emotion behind it. The words are laced with strong emotions, which depending on the intended audience could be either a good or a bad thing. Personally, I find it's a good thing, especially with the subject matter at hand.

However, there are still some things you could do to improve it. I'll go over the technical aspects to begin with; basically, the grammatical stuff. First of all, every line in a poem should start with a capital letter.

I realise you've probably done this because of the punctuation used at the end of a line. However, my understanding of poetry structure is that all the lines present a slightly different idea while still speaking in conjunction with the poem's major theme. Therefore, each new line begins with a capital letter because, like new sentences, it is the start of something slightly different

Also, while I'm on grammar, I believe your use of syntax could be a little bit more exciting. Most of the lines end in a full stop (or a punctuation mark to the same effect), and there isn't much use of Caesura (punctuation in the middle of a line of poetry).

I think you should be a bit more adventurous with your punctuation. What's to stop you putting a comma in the middle of a line? Or even a full stop? Some experimentation of suspended pauses (having no punctuation at the end of a line of poetry) would also be beneficial to you. Just try it, see if it works for you.

Aside from the grammatical aspect, there isn't much I can mark you down on. I honestly did enjoy this piece. However, one thing I will mention is - possibly due to its length - the piece feels a little...incomplete.

While this may be part of the effect, it does raise more questions in the reader's mind than it gives answers to. I'd suggest either trying to extend it a little, or limiting the use of rhetorical questions; while a good device for writing, too many can leave a reader feeling confused.

Overall, I must say it was a good piece. The emotions are apparent, and the message relatively clear. I hope my advice was helpful, because I'd love to see some more writing from you in future.