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literature by EiraCandles

Priceless Poetry by monstroooo


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Submitted on
November 23, 2012
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336
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He stole my virginity, put it in a box. Tied it with a slimy bow,
one that fastens and locks. Threw it in the fire, watched it sizzle
and burn. Started to take my value, burned it taking turns.

He trapped me in leather, smothered me till I died. Threw my body
in the trash, never even cried. Left me there to rot, left me
for the rats. Skin pallid, limbs limp, eyes as black as bats.

He left then, and somehow I returned. Crawled through the wreckage,
void of all concern. Eyes were black and lips were cracked. I
wandered like a lifeless doll, feeling I'd been smacked.

He never returned, never said sorry. Left me in the dark at the
bottom of a quarry. Now I'm walking with a limp, soundless and
mute. I hope you know it wasn't fun, it wasn't even cute.
:jsenn:
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:iconstephie99:
Critique by Stephie99 Dec 19, 2012, 8:23:34 AM
I really like this piece. You've made use of very powerful imagery and the descriptions are emotive, creepy and disturbing. The overall tone of this poem is frightening and uncomfortable, that said, I think it gives the exact impression you were going for. The piece conveys quite harsh emotions in such a compact structure, so it displays a very good impact - strong and effective. I really like the last two lines, the way you convey the emotion and pain of 'walking with a limp, soundless and mute' to the nonchalant 'it wasn't even cute' line, which brings out a final, greater impact. You've written it in such a way that it allows for the reader to connect with this piece and the kind of demoralizing trauma and cruel injustice it involves. This is really beautiful work!
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconreallylostmymind:
I really enjoyed this.
The rhyme, I'm not sure. The fact that there were no line breaks to match with the rhyme scheme kind of threw me, but I'm not sure if it disturbed me because it was something I had never seen before, of because it didn't really work.
The rhymes themselves reminded me a bit of the rhymes I made in middle school, not taking any chances with syllables. Branch out a little, if you feel up to it.
Rhyming aside, time to get to the fun stuff.
I really really liked this. it made me feel the need to take a shower, wash off the "slimy bow" and then give you a shower, before wrapping you in a furry blanket and an enormous hug.
The first and last two lines seemed like the most powerful to me, they stuck in my brain, as though branded.
The whole thing was so scary and disturbing (in a very good way!) that I had a hard time telling when you were using a metaphor, and when that was something that actually happened.
You had lots of emotions wrapped up in this, and they shone through really well, as well as the feeling of desolation.
Overall, this is a gorgeous poem. I'm sure it was not easy to write, but it turned out beautifully.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

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:iconeiracandles:
EiraCandles Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2013  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
I really like this. This is amazing.
Reply
:iconicestar539:
IceStar539 Featured By Owner Jan 24, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Its really good.
Reply
:iconkeko-meko:
Keko-Meko Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2013  Student General Artist
Thanx you ~ ^o^
Reply
:iconicestar539:
IceStar539 Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
You are very welcome.
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2013
I liked this despite the rhyme. You had some good images in there that struck me hard. The second verse is the best rhyme wise. In the other verses it was noticable, which meant it detracted from the meaning, which is what I look for in a poem.. but black as bats, quarry, mute, locks, sizzle, the internal rhyme, it is a good piece to read aloud.

I just think that it takes a lot of hard hard work to craft a poem that says precisely what you mean to say if you limit yourself to only words that rhyme with something before it, so I'm hard to please with rhyming. :]
Reply
:iconewagladka:
EwaGladka Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
The ending is the best.
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:iconkeko-meko:
Keko-Meko Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2012  Student General Artist
Thanx you
^^
Reply
:iconewagladka:
EwaGladka Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You're welcome :aww:
Reply
:iconmierren:
Mierren Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
wow it was so brilliant that i don't even know what to say! there was truly a genius at work when this poem was being written!
Reply
:iconkeko-meko:
Keko-Meko Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Student General Artist
Haha, thanx you ^o^ I'm glad it had an impact.
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