Sta.sh
He stole my virginity, put it in a box. Tied it with a slimy bow,
one that fastens and locks. Threw it in the fire, watched it sizzle
and burn. Started to take my value, burned it taking turns.
He trapped me in leather, smothered me till I died. Threw my body
in the trash, never even cried. Left me there to rot, left me
for the rats. Skin pallid, limbs limp, eyes as black as bats.
He left then, and somehow I returned. Crawled through the wreckage,
void of all concern. Eyes were black and lips were cracked. I
wandered like a lifeless doll, feeling I'd been smacked.
He never returned, never said sorry. Left me in the dark at the
bottom of a quarry. Now I'm walking with a limp, soundless and
mute. I hope you know it wasn't fun, it wasn't even cute.
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There are a few things with the structure of this poem that I must question, however. First of all, the rhyming...although this may be used as an effect.
Rhyme is a language technique often associated with cheerful emotions; that's one of the reasons why most nursery rhymes...rhyme. So, it's use here seems a little ironic, considering how the subject isn't very happy at all. I think this was part of the effect though; you were expecting happiness, but you were greeted instead by betrayal. Whether or not this was indeed your intention, that's how I read it.
The second thing I'm going to question is the option of writing the stanzas in full paragraphs rather than in lines. While it doesn't make much of a difference if the poem is read aloud, visually...it's a little unusual. Unusual isn't always bad however, so I digress.
Overall, this is a hard-hitting emotional piece about a difficult subject matter. While I do question some of the structure, I think it's pretty good the way it is too.
The rhyme, I'm not sure. The fact that there were no line breaks to match with the rhyme scheme kind of threw me, but I'm not sure if it disturbed me because it was something I had never seen before, of because it didn't really work.
The rhymes themselves reminded me a bit of the rhymes I made in middle school, not taking any chances with syllables. Branch out a little, if you feel up to it.
Rhyming aside, time to get to the fun stuff.
I really really liked this. it made me feel the need to take a shower, wash off the "slimy bow" and then give you a shower, before wrapping you in a furry blanket and an enormous hug.
The first and last two lines seemed like the most powerful to me, they stuck in my brain, as though branded.
The whole thing was so scary and disturbing (in a very good way!) that I had a hard time telling when you were using a metaphor, and when that was something that actually happened.
You had lots of emotions wrapped up in this, and they shone through really well, as well as the feeling of desolation.
Overall, this is a gorgeous poem. I'm sure it was not easy to write, but it turned out beautifully.
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